I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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