I hate your face
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I can text with my tongue
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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