think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Randomize
