But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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