I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Randomize
