I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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