She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
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It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
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Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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