I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children