just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
