i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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