Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
