I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.