Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
