All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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