My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
