i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
