just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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