Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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