Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
