I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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