I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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