dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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