Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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