i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
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True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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