He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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