If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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