Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
