i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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