I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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