I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
