WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
this will be a night to untag.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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