i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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