Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Randomize
