I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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