I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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