My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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