I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
