it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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