What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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