I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
