If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
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