every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
