She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
