Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
