Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals