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woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
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