We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
29 People Confess The Worst Example Of Dirty Talk They’ve Ever Heard
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
21 Women Compare Anal and Vaginal Sex
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year