The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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