now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
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