last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
