maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
