remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you will always have a special place in my vag
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
