Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
