I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
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