They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
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We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
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I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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