I need help removing her.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
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