I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
