i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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