thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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