As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.