Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
